||[Oct. 12th, 2003|12:27 am]
The thoughts enter and leave. The words wind around in their torrent creation. All is lost in the apex of this hurricane. Nothing escapes the darkness centered here . . . for a Fortnight. Trees are much greener after the clouds have gone. The world spins faster when the eyes open wide. Where does this carousel go? When does the osculation end?
My mind truly has been clouded for such a time. Most recently the darkness has begun to lift . . . but still this is only most recently. It will take time. It will take energy. It will take my will. I prayed so many times that God would lift this from my heart, and now as it is beginning to fade, I forget about God again. It has been a hard five months, but I did not do it myself. God met me face to face, especially in those dark moments. He did not appease me with simple relief, thus rendering me weak in the end. He stared deep into my heart and called me out as a man. He called me out as the individual. A long time ago, some six or seven years ago, I asked God to break me, to break me and rebuild a man of faith. I didn't forget this prayer, as it is the scariest thing I have ever asked for. It was then that all this started. What the doctors call my "depression," but it's not a depression at all; the philosophers would call it a spiritual crisis. God broke me. God broke me down into the simple, feeble nothing that I am. It was at that lowest point of my depression where God looked me in the face, his forehead to mine, and asked me the one question that matters. "Do you have what it takes?" Not about my strength or my intelligence or my constitution or even my morality. It was about my faith. One can't have faith in something he knows is true; and that was all I did to god before. I naively made god a certainty. This demeaned my faith. I worshiped God's laws and not God. I followed his rules and not him. And what happened to me was that my world collapsed. My certainties become uncertainties; my knowledge about God became a void in my heart. It devoured all that I believed was the right way, and tortured my spirit with realities of the world. We all will die, this I now realize, more than ever before, for I died a thousand times in my room alone, hiding in the dark. The life of this world is meaningless. We are finite material traveling through space. All of these things my eyes were opened to. Then God looked me face to face again, and asked if I had what it took to follow. Starring strait into the abyss of time and space, I then looked up into the embracing eyes of God and answered. The rest is between him and I, for the journey is ours alone. The particular and the eternal.
In nomino patre.