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entropy victim

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conjured [Oct. 26th, 2003|11:36 pm]
entropy victim
my waking dream is coming too close.
forever and a day i thought this was it.
when did the cards change hands,
when did i become strong and you to the weak.
this inversion is silly, and delirious at best.
we fornicate ourselves for mere moments of life,
and deep in the end reality waits.
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it burns like a wildfire [Oct. 24th, 2003|08:51 am]
entropy victim
[mood |contemplativecontemplative]
[music |velvet underground]

my heart is jumping and pounding at the notion.
it woke me up like a bath of ice in early in the morning.
we must contemplate with complete sobriety.
things could go down, and embers remain.
it hurts to imagine, i dont want them to feel pain.
my prayers are with you, i know its just a house.
for you its a home and your children's bedding place.
im sorry dear brother, im sorry its come.
and all you cute children,
keep smiles on your face.
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releif [Oct. 22nd, 2003|12:48 am]
entropy victim
its a feeling of liberation. my logic has finally triumphed.
okay
relaxing
adventure
boredom
neitschze
anger
goodtimes
relief
goodfood
neat
reallyfun
bad
relaxing
constructive
now
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can i do anything right? [Oct. 20th, 2003|12:07 am]
entropy victim
it does seem like a mystery.
pressing every button i can, pulling all the levers and knobs.
i try, time after time after time.
its like taking a multiple choice test where there is no right answer.
all i can do is fill in the bubbles and hope.
but there doesnt seem to be any hope.
if it came time to go, i would be left behind.
maybe thats my fate.
maybe thats my call.
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lips like sugar, sugar kisses [Oct. 18th, 2003|10:10 am]
entropy victim
[mood |wondering]
[music |echo and the bunneymen - - - ocean rain]

it's quite funny, in the sickest sense. The formally acknowledged transportation "hub" of downtown fullerton is now "the hub." I will admit that we once acknowledged it as "the hub" as well, but now it has become a true "hub" of the current scene. What was once the out-crowd hangout, is now the in-crowd center. I also felt very old there. Where is it that my life is going? Today it goes to Mexico, but i will return. I will sleep in the same bed tonight. I will eat in the same kitchen tomorrow. I will relieve myself in the same toilet tomorrow morning. For some consistency is comforting.. . .for me it is torture. I enjoy adventure, newness, things that are not accustomed for me.. . .
I woke in a bad mood this morning. My jaw was tightly clenched. . .my body was shivering. . .but not from cold weather . .. . from my cold heart. ..

this darkness engulfs all who would challenge. . .this cave is the end for many who seek.. ..i see the light of day, emerge from the tunnel's mouth. . .but can i make it out alive. . . .
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unconscious [Oct. 17th, 2003|12:01 am]
entropy victim
[mood |clean]
[music |echo and the bunneymen - seven seas]

its odd when your body wants to go into a depression, but your mind just wont have it.
the body aches and whimpers and has idiotic sensations, but the mind is unyielding in it's decision.
it feels as though one wheel has gone flat and the car refuses to break. dragging dead weight around. . .all day. . .

the dancing balls of dust and dirt, the maker's toys stand in full alert.
all worries are past, and all days slowly spin.
what is this reality we are thrown in?
our laughter is loud in the street we sound merry,
but tearful discourse wets our pillows quite hurry..
i hate poems, especially predictable ones.

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faustian [Oct. 14th, 2003|11:47 pm]
entropy victim
[mood |euphoria]
[music |lasting minutes]

this state of euphoria cant last. things like this were not designed to last.
i talk myself in and out of it, long before any real action occurs.
god gave me a mind, and i waste in mental masturbation.
i speculate about the universe, i guess at the grand designs of man.
all of these are a waste, all is lost when i use not my gift.
show me, god, what is it i can do.
you gave me hands as well, what should i build?
you gave me words, what is there to say?
you gave me life, let me not waste living.
my prayer to you.
show me.
i will do.
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oh my [Oct. 12th, 2003|12:27 am]
entropy victim
[mood |introspective]
[music |melee]

The thoughts enter and leave. The words wind around in their torrent creation. All is lost in the apex of this hurricane. Nothing escapes the darkness centered here . . . for a Fortnight. Trees are much greener after the clouds have gone. The world spins faster when the eyes open wide. Where does this carousel go? When does the osculation end?

My mind truly has been clouded for such a time. Most recently the darkness has begun to lift . . . but still this is only most recently. It will take time. It will take energy. It will take my will. I prayed so many times that God would lift this from my heart, and now as it is beginning to fade, I forget about God again. It has been a hard five months, but I did not do it myself. God met me face to face, especially in those dark moments. He did not appease me with simple relief, thus rendering me weak in the end. He stared deep into my heart and called me out as a man. He called me out as the individual. A long time ago, some six or seven years ago, I asked God to break me, to break me and rebuild a man of faith. I didn't forget this prayer, as it is the scariest thing I have ever asked for. It was then that all this started. What the doctors call my "depression," but it's not a depression at all; the philosophers would call it a spiritual crisis. God broke me. God broke me down into the simple, feeble nothing that I am. It was at that lowest point of my depression where God looked me in the face, his forehead to mine, and asked me the one question that matters. "Do you have what it takes?" Not about my strength or my intelligence or my constitution or even my morality. It was about my faith. One can't have faith in something he knows is true; and that was all I did to god before. I naively made god a certainty. This demeaned my faith. I worshiped God's laws and not God. I followed his rules and not him. And what happened to me was that my world collapsed. My certainties become uncertainties; my knowledge about God became a void in my heart. It devoured all that I believed was the right way, and tortured my spirit with realities of the world. We all will die, this I now realize, more than ever before, for I died a thousand times in my room alone, hiding in the dark. The life of this world is meaningless. We are finite material traveling through space. All of these things my eyes were opened to. Then God looked me face to face again, and asked if I had what it took to follow. Starring strait into the abyss of time and space, I then looked up into the embracing eyes of God and answered. The rest is between him and I, for the journey is ours alone. The particular and the eternal.
In nomino patre.
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grad [Oct. 11th, 2003|12:54 am]
entropy victim
[mood |adulation]
[music |porno for non-pyros]

one more time before the curtain drops, one last sad and sorry goodbye.

this vanity of nothing done is getting to me. all my kindgom for an adventure, all my comfort for a single new thing.

please.

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buriation [Oct. 10th, 2003|12:23 am]
entropy victim
[mood |conscious]
[music |cake]

I feel so buried beneath my flesh. As though I were peering out of a deep hole at the world. Incased in the cave of my mind, watching the speedy figures race by. Movement is mechanical and pre-configured. Caught in the snare of my mind, slow as it is, still restrained. I must touch and feel to understand, to understand that this is all real. Not a dream, not an illusion, no tricks. If I awake from reality, where will I be? Maybe death is the true awakening. Only then is our cognition complete. The closure that provides no return. Ultimate enlightenment in our final breath, we trade operational ignorance for the doomed truth. The universe provides wondrous irony if death is what we live for. I am fertilizer in motion. Grow grass, grow. Grow closer to death. Turn brown and die. Provide for those who follow.
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